Thursday, May 12, 2011

Day 1 of n of screwed up

Went to see the shrink. Woke up at 6pm in the morning, not very fun. I took a freaking cab (bad mistake!) and it was already congested on the road. WTF? I could have gone by the train and it would have cost me 1/8 of the cab fare. I had to wait for about an hour (fucking no appointment system in this country? Vraiment?) for him to see me. Annoying people in the waiting area. He talked too much I think. He has the sleaziness of most Oriental men do. I was skeptical. He spent about 40% of the consultation time talking about him/his clients, and less about me. My point is, even if I wasn't comfortable enough to share my emotions (he is, practically a stranger), but it might help if he could just cease talking about non-related matters less. Who give a shit to what Malaysian's medical industry is or has become?

After an hour (maybe more, I lost count. I figured it wasn't the best thing to look at my watch when I was under observation), I was given some mood stabiliser and Lexapro. Well, thank god I am taking them at night. I'd be dreaded if I have to do it all over again, in the morning. Citalopram didn't give me a very good experience when I wanted to get back to them again. The dozing off, the dizziness that happened when I was at work, all are still pretty fresh to me.

I hate medicine. I really do. It screwed me up completely when I had to have a whole half year of medication to kill TB. If it hadn't happened, I wouldn't have developed bronchitis and asthmas, and depression and anxiety to follow. That, is the biggest environmental trigger.

And have I told you that I really hate pharmaceutical companies? They squeeze every possible pennies out from you (a patience) to boast their earning per share. And this is important to the companies, to the investors. Because this is what investors care about. Nothing more, nothing less. And it makes me even more skeptical that you'd never know which doctors act on your interests. Especially this Lexapro is still in patent and will not expire until 2012. I was thinking to get some generic stuff online but I really have no guts to mess with my health anymore. It is £1+ per pill compared to 20-40p per pill for (maybe the generic) Citalopram? The cost now has become a concern, and not a small one. I have basically drained all my cash for this month after this clinic visit. Probably I should be thankful that I will only have to follow up (and get one a higher dose) next month, with more cash to burn and more stuff to get stressed over with.

One thing he said made my face twisted: Yes, if you are gonna leave this issue unsolved, your life is pretty much screwed up, as of NOW.
Uh, okay but if I kill myself now, at least I take the matter in my hands rather than leaving the issue unsolved. The solution is out. It's probably simpler than a calculus problem.

Pros, I was kinda told that I might be able to see some improvement within a week after taking the pills. Afterall, I am starting off now with half of the dosage of what I used to take. And not to forget the small bottle of magic water called the mood stabiliser. My life is full of pills. No punts intended.

Cons, weight gain. That's not gonna be as severe as contraception I think. Loss of libido, it doesn't matter me too much, as long as it doesn't kill my drive to train like a machine. Nausea, not very funny but it didn't happen to me before. Dizziness...blah blah blah.

Maybe it is a good idea to start up a diary just to make monitoring easier. Self help is so important in this stupid situation. The shrink used a metaphor of hypertension. Well, it kinda worked. But I have no clue how long this will last. Seriously.

Today's achievement: Did a proper training on TRX. Burnt more than 500kcal. The sun was scorching, the floor was dirty and tough and I ended up in dirt all over my body. Nonetheless, satisfaction and fun. The park is up in the north which I haven't been like for almost 10 years. Things have changed so much. Conclusion: my muscles have actually started to ache (leftover from Tuesday Power Plate training, I wonder what I did that killed my muscles, which I haven't experienced for a long while) after the session, hopefully I would wake up, fresher. Acupuncture was as painful as usual. Well, maybe more today. I stink, I smelled but ah well, I felt good.

Sent off the application form. Still to follow up. Sit down and revise portfolio on Saturday. Probably start sketching again. It will be one of those rare Saturdays that I wouldn't spent running around the city.

Not such a good thing...well, I procrastinated my divorce papers. I just don't think I can, or I want to deal with those idiots of the divorce management firm.

-End of day 1 of medication-

P/S: I don't wanna wake up every hour like last night, please!


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